I’m still in a daze, it doesn’t seem real. At points a nightmare and at others a dream. I’m a marathoner. I did it. I ran 26.2 miles. I completed a challenge so great that only 1% of the worlds population has been there with me. I have mental strength and fortitude that I never knew about. I can push my body to it’s absolute limits and survive and thrive! Eliud Kipchoge says no human is limited and I believe him. I never thought I could run a marathon, just like I never thought I could run a half marathon when I signed up to my first. Testing myself and pushing my body and my mind to new places is something that drives me on to achieve these things and I hope that I will achieve more in the future. I may never break a record or run a really quick time but I will turn up, I will put the training in and I will do myself and my family proud and that is all I want to do!
Anyways, yeah, Berlin eh?! What a weekend that was! Had a couple of really gentle 5 mile runs during the week just to keep my legs ticking over and managed to avoid any real maranoia, although my sleep pattern was really off due to the nerves starting to kick in. Thursday night came and it was time to kiss wifey and the child goodbye. Little man was really upset which absolutely broke my heart (he may have been putting it on as he basically didn’t want to talk to me whilst I was away) so I was feeling pretty shit when I left the house to go for the train. The train ride up to Edinburgh was non-eventful and I got to the airport with just the 6 hours to wait for my flight. Grabbed a STRONG coffee and settled in to read my book as there was no way I could sleep in the airport. I was too nervous about missing my flight and it was way too noisy anyways! Arrived in Berlin at 9am on Friday morning and it was cool and cloudy with a little bit of drizzle in the air. This was the first time I had been to Berlin and what immediately struck me, even just from exiting the airport, was there was a really cool vibe about the place. I had been super worried about working out the transport system and finding my way around the city but I needn’t have been. It was simple and straightforward and in the blink of an eye I was on my way to Templehof for the marathon expo. The only trouble with me getting there so early was that I couldn’t check in to my digs so I had to carry my bags around with me. By this point I’d been up for over 24 hours and was starting to feel incredibly tired and the added weight of lumping my bags around wasn’t helping.
By the time I got off the S Bahn at Templehof the rain had turned from a drizzle into a steady, reasonably heavy rain, although it was still really quite warm. Thankfully, there was a bag drop so I got rid of my big bag and headed into the expo – mega excited to pick my number up! There was a palpable air of excitement around the place as runners from all over the world queued up to get their all important race number and timing chip. A quick check of my passport and my start card and my number was printed. It was time to explore the expo a bit. With this being Germany, there was a huge adidas presence – all the race t-shirts and other merchandise available at a suitably extortionate price. It was actually really annoying that you had to pay for your finishers t-shirt and I’m sure there were people who bought a finishers shirt who then either didn’t make the start line or didn’t make the finish line. These t-shirts should be earned not purchased!!! Had a wander round, got a hot dog as I hadn’t eaten since Thursday evening and then headed off to my digs. Now, where do I start…well, it was somewhere to lay my head down and that was it. I made the mistake of going for a cheap option, I was 6 miles outside of Berlin centre and the place itself was about a 15 minute walk from the train station which probably wasn’t the best considering I was carrying heavy bags and also had the small matter of running 26.2 miles on the Sunday. I finally got there and the place looked AWFUL! The photos on the internet made it look really cool and quirky but in the cold light of day, on a dull, miserable, wet afternoon it just looked squalid! What also didn’t help was there was no one around to check me in. There was a number on the front to ring but when I rang it, it was out of service. After about 10 minutes of standing sopping wet someone turned up and showed me to my cube. It had a bed and a shelf and that was it. There was literally no space to even stand to get dressed. At that point I wasn’t bothered though, 33 hours wide awake, I needed some sleep. I slept until about 9:30pm and when I woke, I rang home to let them know I was still alive, went to the shared toilet (splashing through giant puddles on the way which soaked my trainers) and then went back to sleep. One of the things I was looking forward to the most about my trip was the Generali Breakfast Run on the Saturday morning. Described as a very gentle 6k run starting a Charlottesburg Palace and finishing at the Olympic Stadium, on the track, where the 100m world record was broken in 2009. I set my alarm for 6:30am so I could get sorted and get there for the 9:30 start and drifted into a deep sleep.
Woke with a start on Saturday morning and something didn’t quite feel right but I couldn’t quite place my finger on it. Checked my watch and the time said 7:15am – odd, I could have sworn I set my alarm for 6:30am. Grabbed my phone to check and…..nothing! The charging light was on but there was nothing displaying on screen. I tried the factory reset….nothing! I unplugged it and plugged it back in to see if that would do anything…nothing! At this point I went into full on panic mode. I had no way of contacting my family and I also had no way of checking what trains I needed to get etc. I couldn’t think straight. All I could think about was the fact I was in a foreign country, on my own, and I was completely stranded. I was hyperventilating, I was crying – literally, I was having a panic attack! I felt sick and genuinely didn’t know what to do. Eventually, I managed to calm myself down and decided I would just head to the train station and ask someone which train I needed to get to the start of the breakfast run. After getting directions from a lovely lady in the newsagents I got on the train and made my way to the start of the run. The atmosphere around the start area was absolutely out of this world. There was music, there was lots of colour and there were thousands up thousands of runners all waiting to make their way to the Olympic Stadium. At this point, I had pretty much decided to just get the run out the way and then worry about everything else afterwards – it was obviously all added stress that I absolutely did not need the day before a marathon but there was nothing I could do about it and I didn’t want my enjoyment of the breakfast run to be spoiled. The run itself was amazing. It was REALLY slow and really fun. It rained (again) but then the sun came out and it was really, really warm. There were huge groups of runners from the same countries running together and the noise they made was phenomenal. There were Thai runners singing songs, Kenyan’s doing he same but the best noise came from a group of South African’s who chanted the entire way around and it was AWESOME, really uplifting and just ensured you had a smile on your face the whole way round. All of a sudden the Olympic rings came into view and you could feel the anticipation of the runners build as we approached this historic stadium. The run wound it’s way through the Olympic park and down into the bowels of the stadium before exiting onto the track. To say I was speechless is an understatement. I was completely awestruck – I think I even spluttered out “fucking hell” as I stepped onto the track, in the stadium Bolt broke the world record, in the stadium Jesse Owens won his 6 gold medals in 1936. The history of this place hit me just as much as the architecture, if not more. It was BRILLIANT! The only disappointing thing was I couldn’t take any photos. No one can take it away from me though that I’ve ran on that track and I’ve stood next to the flame and I’ve absorbed all that history – the stuff of dreams!!!!!!!!
After leaving the stadium I had to find some way of contacting home to let them know I was ok. Eventually, I found a very kind person willing to let me make a call from their mobile and I was able to let Stacey know I was alive and needed to get a new phone. I had planned on doing a bit of sight seeing on the way back through to my digs but that pretty much went out the window once the phone broke as I needed it for contact, for travel and also for music for the marathon. Ended up splashing out nearly £300 on a new handset which was gutting enough but then, as I walked out of the shopping centre, there was a thunderstorm!!!! I am TERRIFIED of thunder so I darted back into the shops and stayed there for another couple of hours. At this point, I was convinced God didn’t want me to run the marathon or enjoy myself. My stress levels were through the roof now and I was absolutely starving. I found a little shop that sold pizza and demolished 10 HUGE slices followed by the best burger I have ever had from Burger King – a bacon, cheese and guacamole burger – WOW!!!!!!! Once the storm had passed I went straight back to my digs to get my phone sorted and then tried to get some rest. An early night loomed and with it the nerves that led to a pretty restless night. Alarm set for 5:30am…marathon day was almost here!
I didn’t sleep very well at all on Saturday night. A combination of nerves and excitement building to a crescendo that kept me wide awake for large parts of the night. My alarm went off at 5:30am (yay, my new phone didn’t break overnight) and I was up like a shot. Porridge down my neck and a cup of coffee and then it was time to get rid of the nerves (via the toilet). The weather looked ok. It was cool and dry – perfect running weather although the weather forecast was for rain in the afternoon. After 4 trips to the loo it was time to get my kit on. I was liberal with the Vaseline – no chafing for me today lol. Packed my gels in my flipbelt, filled my pockets with packets of haribo and off I set. The journey to the start was completely uneventful but getting off the train at Berlin Hauptbahnhof there was a definite air of excitement around. From there it was a short walk down to the Tiergarten where the crowds of people got bigger and bigger. I was lucky enough to bump into another person who was running for Prostate Cancer UK so had a chat with him as we walked down to our start pen. We weren’t due to go off until 10:10am so there was quite a long wait and I was worried that nerves would get the better of me and I’d destroy the portaloo’s. Luckily, my nerves seemed to have settled right down so I was able to just sit, relax and take in everything that was going on around me. At 9:15am the race got under way and then it was just a matter of biding my time, waiting for my start pen to be released. We were kept entertained by music (the Germans love their cheesy pop music) and a fella on a microphone getting us to do the Icelandic thunderclap. It was all very surreal. By this point it had also started to rain, a light drizzle that would prove very useful during the race itself – except by the time we actually crossed the start line it had turned from light drizzle to full on heavy rain that lasted the whole marathon! By crikey it felt good to be on my way though.
I’m not sure what to write about the race itself. What I can say is the support from the people of Berlin was incredible. Despite the constant rain lashing down the streets were full of people cheering. There were people hanging out of their windows with loudspeaker systems set up. There was everything from rave to heavy metal being played. There were kids waiting for high fives from the runners. It was everything you could ask for as a runner. My race was very definitely one of 2 halves. The first 16 miles were incredible. I felt fresh, my running was going exactly to plan and I was on course for a 4 and a half hour marathon (the time I had secretly wanted even though I told everyone finishing was the only goal). The last 10 miles were absolute torture. I hit the wall at 18 miles which was way sooner than I had thought I would. Everything started to hurt, I started to notice how wet I was and how cold I was getting. I found I was having to stop every half mile to walk. As I went through 20 miles I genuinely started to doubt I could finish. I started to feel really emotional, holding back tears on several occasions. The marathon had got in my head and was tearing me apart from the inside out. Every instinct I had was telling me to stop; a voice in my head was literally screaming at me, telling me I was a failure, that I should have known I couldn’t complete a marathon; that I was too fat, too heavy, not fit enough; that I was a waste of space. My brain was going to war with me and yet, somehow, I was still running. My body was telling my brain “Fuck you!”. My heart and my lungs were on fire but they were telling me to keep going. My legs were like lumps of lead but they would not stop turning. 20 miles turned to 23 miles and the last of my gels was gone. The rain continued to pound down, the war in my mind raged on. Only 5k to go! At some point over the next mile or so I lost it completely. Local Hero by Mark Knopfler came on my headphones and I just lost it. Tears welled up in my eyes and I was struggling to hold it together. The crowd was immense at this point – the amount of times I heard my name called along with “you can do it” “you’re amazing” etc. was both pulling me through and making me more upset because I knew that I couldn’t do it. I knew I was going to stop. I knew I couldn’t go any further…1 mile to go! Even now, this close to the end I was convinced I wasn’t going to make it. The course seemed now to be never ending. At every turn I expected to see the Brandenburg Gate and at every turn I was disappointed. I got a spasm of cramp in my left calf (the one and only time I have EVER had cramp whilst running). The pain was unreal…how the FUCK am I going to do this? The war was won, my brain was victorious and my heart, lungs and legs were raising the white flag. I rounded a corner, fully expecting to see just more shops and there it was; that most iconic of structures, the Brandenburg Gate. That white flag that my body was raising was quickly lowered as I got a massive surge of energy. “I’m going to fucking do this” I said to myself. My legs all of a sudden felt light and I felt my pace picking up. I passed under the gate and everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I was overcome with emotions I can’t describe very well. I was elated that I was going to finish my marathon. I was in awe of the Brandenburg Gate and all the history attached to it. The noise from the crowd was incredible, I heard a couple of British voices shouting my name and managed a wave. My legs were getting faster and faster, the tears were streaming down my face and then I crossed the finish line. I was a marathoner, in a time of 5hrs 15mins! I rang home and I don’t think Stacey could understand a word of what I was saying because of the tears and the general delirium. People were looking at me with genuine concern on their faces. Everyone else seemed really happy and here I was an emotional wreck. I was happy, I was over the moon but my body and my brain had literally just been to war with eachother and left me in such a state that I couldn’t do anything but cry. They put my medal over my neck and I began to calm down as I walked to get my free Erdinger and then it was back to my digs for a shower and some rest. By late evening my body was as sore as it has ever been. I had muscles aching that I didn’t know existed but I went to sleep no problem – and yes, I did sleep with my medal on!
It’s Friday now, almost a week later and I still don’t think it’s properly sunk in what I achieved. I feel so poorly it’s unreal. It’s like every germ that I have managed to avoid for most of the year has caught up with me. My hips and lower back are ruined but my legs feel ok. Mentally I feel rotten. I feel empty. I don’t know what to do next. For the first time this year I have nothing to train for. They call it post marathon blues and apparently it is quite normal – it is horrible though, especially as my mental health isn’t great to start with. I promised myself 2 weeks without any running and I will stick to that but it’s going to be hard. My body needs to recover. I need to decide what I want to do next. Do I really want to put myself through all of this again and do another marathon? I honestly don’t know. In one respect this journey has been an incredible one. I have learned so much about myself and about running but on the other hand it has been too much – the early mornings, the lack of a lie in, the sacrificing nights out etc to make sure I was fresh for a run, the added stress it all caused – why would I put myself through all of that again? I’m in the ballot for London (I won’t get in). I’m now in the ballot for Berlin 2020. I’m thinking about Edinburgh in May. Why? Why? WHY?
The answer – because I’m a runner, it’s what I do! I’ve done it once, now it’s time to improve!
NO HUMAN IS LIMITED!
Thanks as always for reading.